| the visceral realists |
[June 8th, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
mehh |
] |
I love how Kathy Griffin seriously asked Bette Midler if her song "Wind Beneath My Wings" was about farts!
also, my updated travel wish-list (in no particular order):
Falkland Islands, Argentina
Mexico City, Mexico
Nairobi, Kenya
Austin, Texas
Cape Town, South Africa
Jerusalem, Israel
San Diego, California
Alexandria, Egypt
Punjab, India (however, only during Holi)
for now, while my imagination is still young.
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| nervous anxious worried |
[May 25th, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy 1 year with my macbook! |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Bruce Springsteen |
] |
Been home for a little less than two weeks and it's nice to be lazy but it's frustrating having nothing to do. Pretty much all I do is send things in the mail and run into people not remembering who they are slash why I did/didn't like them - Yayyyyy.
Summer goals:
1. become unstoppable at Smash Bros. I'm pretty good for a beginner but need to be better to bring up my street cred.
2. Get a stable job with a reasonable income! How hard is it to get a stupid part-time these days?! Hopefully I will recover quickly and will be able to.. paint houses or something not boring, though my fingers are currently crossed.
3. Read all of the books I say I will! I haven't had the time to read a good book in a long while and these next few months will be great for it, since I will be most likely home-less and unemployed.
4. Reunite the Gosslings of "Jon and Kate Plus 8". It's a stretch, but I think I can handle it.
Tomorrow is Memorial day and I can never think of a very patriotic way to celebrate, even with the military record that litters our family history. Maybe i'll think of something besides waking up early and sitting through a twelve minute parade. Mehhh.
Hey I started to watch Star Wars today and I actually kind of like it...?
|
|
| what an honor |
[May 7th, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drunk |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Let's Stay Together - Jenny Carson and DJ Chenette |
] |
Ohhh I don't want to go home. Life will be so much different back in Massachusetts and I don't know that I want to go back to the past when my mind is already so far in the future. It will be very hard, I can already tell: I don't remember how to sleep alone anymore and I don't want to have cold hands like I did before because there was no one back home to warm them. Since i've been at Green Mountain, i've let go of a lot of things and one of them is hate. This is something that I do not want to re-learn when I go home because I am tired of being sad, regardless of where I am. I am afraid I am not strong enough to take the initiative to allow myself to live by my standards, whatever I decide they will be. The sad truth is that I was lost before I came here, and here I feel found.
Now I know what I need from life. As my move to Chicago becomes more and more permanent, I get second thoughts about whether or not I am doing the right thing. Then I tell myself to "shut up" because being comfortable is nice, but i'm starting to gather moss and i'm too young to stop rolling along.
"Always my favorite".
|
|
| page fifty-nine |
[April 17th, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Can't Stand Losing You - The Police |
] |
His shirt does not show his
true colors. Ice blue
and of stuff
so common
anyone
could have bought it,
his shirt
is known only
to me, and only
at certain times
of the day.
At dawn
it is a flag
in the middle
of a square
waiting to catch
chill light.
Unbuttoned, it's
a sail surprised
by boundless joy.
In candlelight at turns
a penitent's
scarf or beggar's
fleece, his shirt it
inapproachable.
It is the very shape
and tint
of desire
and could be mistaken
for something quite
fragile and
ordinary.
|
|
| Forgiveness II |
[March 31st, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
hopeful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Alexi Murdoch - Love You More |
] |
I had a "great escape" this weekend, ironically back home although I wasn't necessarily home sick, I just needed a break. I felt like I was in high school again, but during the good times. The same problems loomed over my head, the same laughter echoed in the kitchen at two thirty in the morning, but this time for different reasons. To think that just as a little as a year ago I had no idea of the people that I would meet or the things that I would do would come in the next few months and shape who I am forever. It makes me feel stupid and naive, which I think is a vital part of life that keeps you in tune with reality.
I was so emotionally and physically exhausted yesterday that I woke up this morning feeling "like a million bucks", and then had macaroni and cheese for lunch so that made me feel especially great! I went to meditation this afternoon and felt so relaxed that at some moments I forget to breath yet did not panic. If only my posture was better and my mind wasn't so fucking wonky I might be able to achieve nirvana. Some day, some day!
Every year when the weather gets nice again, I go through this really weird period of feeling like I don't exist. I don't know what it is but I always get very reflective and unintentionally (but thank god) remove things in my life that I don't even realize hurts me. I don't know what those things are yet but I definitely know who is important to me here and need to make more of a conscious effort taking advantage of our lives crossing in this moment. Time is so easy to waste and I forget this.
I really want to live in San Francisco and decided today, during meditation, that i'd like to try and get over there after I graduate. I can see myself settling there and finding myself when all of this academic bullshit is over. I love New England but I think we need a break for awhile and maybe we'll drunkenly hook up again in the future. Don't cry, Boston, you'll always be my first.
I have no idea where I will be in a year - not even a slight hint. I can't take all of this anticipation! There is no better feeling than being young with an open future ahead of you, and yet there is also nothing worse. For now i'll just keep my back to the wind, arms outstretched and open my eyes once I feel the earth beneath my feet again.
|
|
| Imminent doom |
[March 15th, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cynical |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Marvin Gaye! |
] |
Well i've been round the whole wide world, but I have never found
a place as nice as Millbury, Massachusetts,
( My Hometown )
|
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| In like a lion... |
[March 9th, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pensive |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Senorita - Justin Timberlake |
] |
I jumped in my car on friday and drove out of my college town as fast as I could, trying to beat the sun to Bennington. I've made the trip a handful of times and it always seems to get longer, as each time my anticipation grows. I had the screaming urge to just go home to Massachusetts but it was significantly hushed as soon as could feel my sister in my arms for the first time in two months.
I spent the weekend sleeping in my clothes and in laughing with then-acquaintances, now-friends. I tramped through mud that stained my clothes and didn't care. I held genuine smiles on my face and camel-shaped cookies in my hands. I felt, and still feel, so humbled and privileged to have friends that care for me though the only thing they knew before this weekend was some faded photographs and dated stories.
I drove home this afternoon and ate food while trying to drive through salt-stained back roads. The weather was beautiful so I rolled down the drivers side window and let the winds cool my face. I heard old songs on the radio that I hadn't sung since I was in high school, a time that feels like eons ago, that were loud and bold against the frequent static of back-country airwaves.
Exit 10a for Worcester/Providence, my exit, finally came into view after three and a half hours of monotony. I pulled up to the house that shaped me as a child and walked through my front door as an adult - noticing all of the change that has occurred since i've been gone. There are new pictures on the walls and magazines that I have not yet read in the trash. I feel like I have almost "forgotten" how to read a newspaper and saw an article on the local basketball teams. I didn't recognize anyone in the pictures and felt disconnected to the area: something I once strove for, but now I don't know how to feel about it. I suppose times change and so do people, but was just not ready to feel so different so quickly.
I used to think of emotions as a bad thing to show and still struggle with how to display them. I used to think of tears as weak and unnecessary, but that was before I went away. That was before I knew what it felt like to miss someone; before I understood the concept of "family" and that blood may be thicker than water but so are hearts. No, this was a time where I rejected words and never knew the powerful feeling of my own hot tears form from the lump in my throat as I heard an actual person, not a phone, whisper "i've missed you so much".
|
|
| there is too much talking and not enough cheese fries |
[February 22nd, 2009] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lazy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"This Week in Africa" Podcast! |
] |
  I'm nostalgic again! I've been looking at my old journal entries and, though I hated high school, it ruled during the spring-time. I know that up here it's a totally different experience, and a good one at that, but I miss familiarity. I look forward to watching the leaves grow on the big tree outside of my sixth period class, waiting for the bus in the morning with no jacket on, and the feeling of that first step you take on a friday afternoon when leaving the building and going into the beautiful seventy degree weather. I want sunshineeeeee! But it is snowing outside of my window as we speak. Everything has it's perks, I suppose.
Something totally LOL-able: the local nerds on campus (not to be mean, but come on everyone knows who i'm talking about) are all organizing a huge orgy? what the fuckkkkkkk it's both the best and the worst thing ever! It definitely explains why I can't sleep, because this horrible image is running through my head. So who's in??
I want to go home, and I want to travel to Israel, and I want to be spiritual, and I want to be happy, and I want to speak fluent Swahili, and I want to do my homework, and I want my car to be fixed, and I want to sleep better, etc. There's so much that I want but I can't figure out what I need.
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